The last few weeks, in my head, I've told myself crying and complaining fixes and changes nothing. It might feel good to break down and just howl and shed some tears, but nothing will change.

I've watched a friend of mine who has no job, a child, receive government assistance and complain about how they cannot make ends meet. I feel bad for them. I really do.

I also look at the fact that I work three jobs, my husband works a job, we are not eligible for government assistance, and we aren't making it anymore.

Hell, a week ago, I got the notice the bank wanted to Repo my truck. An angel swooped in to lessen my burden, and I cannot thank him enough for letting me keep food on my table when the bank wanted my entire paycheck for the next few months. I don't understand why banks don't understand that when you lose your job, or at least go from 40 hours to maybe 5 a week, that times are tough. It's hard being able to afford groceries on that type of income, let alone utilities and such. Not complaining, but damn, I am trying. Gods know I am trying.

I don't want to call it the final nail in the coffin, but our mortgage has gone to a collection agency. So I guess it's just a matter of time, something we don't have, but if we did, I am sure we could pull out of this hole that we are in. Even if it is 6 feet down.

Still, I can just put one foot in front of the other. Try to do what I'm doing. Stretching myself to the breaking point every day to try to make it work.

It'd be easy to give up. But I'm not programmed that way. I dislike how depression has programmed me to deal with this. Sleep. Worry. Stare blankly at the wall. When I know I should be working out: Combating the stress and depression.

I won't lie. It takes a toll on my husband when I finally break and lash out in anger at anything and everything. We walk on pins and needles around each other because we both don't have any answers any more.

He's searched for another job. Got a promotion at his work. I've gone back to radio for a part time gig that helps a lot. Gotten a part time job at a grocery store. And I'm still doing the thing I'm best at and been doing for the past 4-5 years, editing audio and project managing. And on top of that, trying to cultivate my own voice work, which I sadly cannot keep up under the pressure.

I've always been a warrior woman, but this is a battle that I am losing. And not only that, losing strength to fight anymore. But fighting is all I know how to do. So there, my friends, lies the conundrum. I will go on, I'm sure. But will I lose who I am in this fight? Some days, I feel I already have.